"BABY RAZOR, COME HERE." Oh god, I sound so mean. That elderly woman in front of me in line just totally side-eyed me. I know kids like to run around, but if she gets out of my sight, I am never going to find her.
"NO! STOP THAT! Do I have anger issues? I think I might have anger issues. Because it feels like the vein in my forehead is about to explode. "DO. NOT. WIPE YOUR NOSE ON THAT!" Christ, I hope she didn't wipe her nose on that.
Maybe I need to go back to therapy about this anger problem? Why isn't this goddamn line moving? Oh my god, is that man writing a personal check? I hope he gets hit by lightning. "LET GO OF MY LEG, PLEASE."
"Okay, fine, you can run around. Just stay where I can see you." Oh, now they're having a conversation about how the customer learned to drive on his grandfather's farm when he was 12. I am standing in line in 1953. "BABY RAZOR? BABY RAZOR?" Ohshitohshitoshit. I can't see her. Motherfucker, I lost my child in line to buy pillows. I am the worst mother on the planet. Oh, there she is, thank God. "BABY RAZOR, GET. OVER. HERE."
Almost there. I can do this. I am calm. I am calm. "OH MY GOD, GET YOUR FACE OFF THE FLOOR. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?" I just insulted my child in public. Fantastic. Mother of the year, here I come.
"Do you want to sign up for our rewards program?"
"Uh, no, thank you." Is he kidding me? "Baby Razor, honey, please stop screaming."
"Would you like to sign up for our store card?"
"No, thank you." I understand he has to ask, but I mean... "Get off the floor, Baby Razor."
"You can save $15." Okay, NOW he's fucking kidding me.
In conclusion: I am buying pillows from the internet from now on.
Hahahahahahahahaha... the Rewards Card was the best part of that. Those cashiers are totally oblivious. Dude, we have all been there, and someday that cashier will have kids, and be there, too :-)
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