Apocalypse Now

(Photo via Sushiesque, who spotted this RV in Harvard Square this morning.)

All right, I have to talk about this whole Rapture thing. In case you've somehow managed to avoid the worldwide media blitz, there's a fringe Christian group that has spent bonkers money to make everyone aware that God will be playing favorites on Saturday and bodily yanking His Chosen up to Heaven. The unsaved, of course, will not be allowed to continue on their merry way, but will suffer and die horribly in a series of epic natural disasters until God gets bored and destroys the earth in October, sending all the Unsaved to eternal damnation in Hell.

That's Family Radio's version, anyway. I think it's based on the Apocalypse in the Book of Revelation, but they're not emphasizing all the four horsemen and anti-christ stuff, which sucks, because that stuff is amazing. PSA: If you've never read the Book of Revelation, you really should no matter what your belief or non-belief system. I read it in college, and the best way to describe its effect is that I had to pause every couple of pages to re-affirm that I had not accidentally ingested a massive amount of drugs.

I read it for a class about millennial apocalypse predictions. I learned that early Christians thought the Second Coming was imminent, which was good for them, since they were being horribly persecuted. End Times cults got popular again around 1,000 AD, maybe because it was a round number, maybe because it was The Dark Ages. So we've gone from I'd like to be raptured so I don't get fed to lions to I'd like to be raptured to leave my short, squalid life to I'd like to be raptured because ...what? "I don't like the gays"? "Those Mexicans frighten me"? Your guess is as good as mine.

Anyway. Everyone is having fun with the latest prediction. I've heard of Rapture parties, people planning to release blow up dolls filled with helium at the appointed hour (6 pm, your local time), leaving piles of clothes and shoes in random public places, and, of course, the ever-popular post-Rapture looting. Of course, maybe I shouldn't be laughing too hard. Remember Y2K? I didn't sell all my worldly possessions or anything, but I had a few extra cases of water on hand, just in case the computers did...whatever it is they were going to do. I was never really clear on that, honestly.

I actually have a Secret Apocalypse Plan, just in general. (Oh, don't look at me like that. You do too, even if you call it your "Emergency Plan" or whatever.) It's not a very good plan. Mostly it involves strapping Baby Razor to my back with a bed sheet, deciding what we have that can be bartered for food, and rounding up all of our garbage bag twistie-ties, because, seriously, those things can do anything. I think I'll have them handy on Saturday, just in case.