A Very Hammy Holiday (The Hamilton Gift Guide!)

At this point, you either know someone who won't stop ranting about America's first Treasury Secretary Alexander Hamilton or you are the person ranting about America's first Treasury Secretary Alexander Hamilton. Luckily, I have designed this gift guide for both the confused and the passionate.

For your aunt/dad/best friend who said, "The guy on the ten dollar bill? I don't get it."

The biography that started it all, Alexander Hamilton, by Ron Chernow (possible bonus gift use: get that grumpy relative to turn off Fox News for a few days while s/he reads!)

They got that "Inspiration for the Broadway musical" sticker on there post-haste

For the acquaintance who's like, "No, I know who Hamilton was, I just have no idea why we're talking about him in 2015."

Hamilton (Original Broadway Cast Recording) They'll either love it or they won't, because that is how taste in music works, but at least they'll understand why you keep yelling We are OUTGUNNED! OUTMANNED! OUTNUMBERED! OUTPLANNED! during family games of Risk.

I literally JUST realized that Hamilton makes the 5th point of the star.

For the person who's like, "I am a child and have no idea what you're talking about."

Aaron and Alexander by Don Brown Yes, it's a children's book about that time the vice-president of the United States killed a man. It's a little bit dry, but the illustrations are beautiful and it did not traumatize my six-year-old.

This was just published. I think the author owes Lin Manuel-Miranda a fruit basket.

And to let them know what's coming:

Hamilton Wrapping Paper

"He sees you when you're sleeping/He knows when you're awake"

Gifts for my actual readers, aka Hamilton Trash:

Alexander Hamilton bobblehead. For those moments where you're like, "Should I insult this guy?" Bobblehead Hamilton will always say YES.

Bobblehead Ham says, "You should probably also challenge him to a duel."

Aaron Burr vs Alexander Hamilton: The Duel I mean, you could get the classic dramatic print of Hamilton falling as Burr shoots (in pendant form, even!), but why do that when you can get this one instead? Why does Burr have an octopus on his face? Why is Hamilton wearing "Deal With It" glasses? Because it's awesome, that's why.

The store is called Veeptopus, and it does what it says on the tin: Veeps + Octopi

Alexander Hamilton Bust Look, the heading says it's the perfect holiday gift, and who am I to argue?

You could get "Once challenged the entire Republican party to a duel." etched on the bottom there.

#YAYHAMLET shirt Trust me, the person you're buying it for will get it.

"I WISH I wrote Hamlet!"

King George Candle To ward off terrible ex-boyfriends, I assume.

"Awesome! Wow!"

The Federalist Wines: Dueling Pistols The ad copy says, "Raise a glass to friendship and the freedoms we enjoy everyday!" Those trolls.

More like "DRINK IT AND CRY."

AND FINALLY, the perfect confluence of pop culture, Etsy, and "I can't even:" Aaron Burr panties.

I am speechless. Bereft of speech.

Please feel free to add your Ham gifts in the comments. If you find anything weirder than the Burr panties, I will send you a holiday card.