PANIC

Pertinent facts:

1) My older sister is a hardcore rock climber.
2) My mother is terrible at disseminating vital health information. She was once in the hospital for three days with a heart arrhythmia and didn't call because she "didn't want me to worry." My other three siblings knew, but apparently I was considered too delicate for the information.

Twenty minutes ago I got this email, written by my sister's boyfriend and forwarded from my mother with no comment:

Dear Mr and Mrs Razor,

Just to let you know, [Sis Razor] is back from her head reconstruction surgery and is doing okay. She is resting quietly on the couch right now, not up to talking very much. I will be hanging out with her throughout the evening in case she needs anything.

Given the facts above, I think it was perfectly reasonable for me to assume that my sister had split her skull open and the rest of my family just didn't tell me about it. I emailed back, "WHAT HAPPENED TO HER HEAD?" and didn't get a reply, so I called my mother.

"Oh," she said. "I guess I type too slowly for you. I was just replying. Didn't I tell you that she decided to get surgery on her deviated septum?"

NO. NO, YOU DID NOT.

"Hmm. I must've told everyone else and thought I told you too. That's it though."

Oh, well. Then can we talk about the fact that my sister is dating a guy who refers to an elective procedure as "head reconstruction surgery?" Because that's ridiculous.