Children's Merchandising Has Always Been Ridiculous

Let's continue our retro theme, shall we? My mother never throws anything out (But not in a Hoarders way; in an it's all on bookshelves or in decorative boxes way), and every once in awhile the house horks up something from my youth and Mom delivers it to me. This weekend she came to visit and told me that while looking for kids' books to bring to Baby Razor, she found this:


(Jem: Jewels in the Dark!)

Ah, yes: Jem and the Holograms, a cartoon where the main character spent most of her time trying to hide a secret that was revealed in her band's name. I LOVED that show. Like most '80s cartoons, it was created to sell toys, and boy did it work on me. I had all of the dolls and clearly remember all of my adventures with them. Strangely enough, I barely remember any of the actual cartoon. Even reading about it didn't jog my memory.

From what I can tell, the story is as follows: Mild-mannered Jerrica Benton just wants to run her record-company-slash-foster-home in peace, but her late father's evil business partner wants the company to himself! For...nefarious purposes? Maybe he wanted to auction off the foster kids? I don't remember. So Jerrica is forced to use Synergy, the well-nigh magical computer her (apparently extremely busy) father invented, to cast a hologram over herself, thus transforming into pink-haired rock star JEM. Why she couldn't have just bought a wig like Hanna Montana, I do not know.

Now let's talk about the book. It's a Choose Your Own Adventure, or, since "choose your own adventure" was trademarked, a Find Your Fate. It's definitely a time capsule. People load cameras with film, wait to hear something on the 11pm news, and get trapped in a locked room with no hope of escape because even though your genius father built a supercomputer that could create a lifelike hologram over your face and body from any location, he couldn't invent a damn cell phone.

There's also some really weird and obvious product placement for Nikon and Saab, two brands I can't imagine 10-year-olds really cared much about.

Here's the plot, from the book jacket:

YOU are JEM, the super-glamorous rock star! You're in New York City for a whirlwind of parties and concerts to promote a new line of costume jewelry based on the priceless Langley jewels.

But while you're modeling the real Langley jewels at a big photo shoot, the room suddenly gets dark. When the lights come back on, the jewels are gone!

Your rivals, the Misfits, and the ruthless Eric Raymond--who'll do anything to hurt your reputation--blame the crime on you! Now you and the Holograms must find the real thieves!

The future of the greatest female rock band of all time is at stake, JEM. Your enemies are very clever, so make the right moves as you...FIND YOUR FATE."

Spoiler alert: the Misfits don't have anything to do with the theft. They're only in the book for about three pages total, including one ending where Jem has to get up and sing with them and gets a dead mouse thrown at her. WTF? Who brings a dead mouse to a rock concert?

The whole thing is that level of absurd, but this was favorite scene:

Okay, so you're going to solve the mystery of the jewels in the dark yourself. But first you've got to cool out. And you do that best in a hot bath.

"Jerrica, we're sisters and you know I love you, but..." Kimber says, looking in the bathroom mirror, "how can you stand to eat pizza in a bubble bath?"

"It helps me think," you say, letting your shoulders slip under the suds and sinking your teeth into your second slice.

"That's not a tub. That qualifies as a pool," Shana says, stealing a sip of your diet soda.

By the time you and the Holograms have finished the pizza, you're ready to map out a plan of attack.

Yes, that makes perfect sense. I know that whenever I'm accused of a jewel heist, the first thing I do is climb in the tub and invite all my friends over for dinner in my bathroom. So the band does all of their brainstorming while Jem lounges naked in a bubble bath and Kimber writes suspects' names in lipstick on the mirror. The whole thing left me feeling like I'd just learned way more about the author's fantasy life than I ever wanted to know.

The plotline that leads Jem to the thief involves her visiting the Statue of Liberty, applying for a job as a maid, going on a talk show (where she and her bandmates wear the same dress and different colored stockings, an idea I love. Can we get a real girl group to do this?), engaging in a car chase, running through security at JFK, storming onto a plane, and literally snatching the thief's wig. That summary makes it sound a lot more entertaining than it was.

I will leave you with this paragraph, which has absolutely nothing to do with the rest of the book or even the rest of the page on which it appears, yet perfectly sums up the ridiculousness of Jem: Jewels in the Dark:

Without the holographic images supplied by Synergy, you and Kimber look like ordinary girls, not rock stars. But just to make sure Amanda doesn't recognize you, you're wearing a 1950s disguise. It consists of heart-shaped sunglasses, a yellow trenchcoat, and a bright flowered scarf tying back your hair

Oh, Jerrica. Don't quit your day job. Or Jem's day job.